|Posted on June 18, 2012 at 2:35 AM|
I’m envious of everyone around me and I want to get a life. Why has my life turned out like this? What have I done wrong? Have I been cursed? I do think there are people in worse situations but everyone around me has a better life. I’m trying so hard to live my life to the fullest even if I couldn’t be a party animal as others could. To find someone to care for, someone who’d care for me, someone who’d commit and would rather make the relationship public to let everyone know that he’s mine and I am his. I have a boyfriend but we have a lot of misunderstandings,he always do things I hate. Nothing seems to be working. I’m always going through phases of my life thinking that someday everything would fall into places and would turn out well. All I have is false hope. I’m just going through the motions and the screwed up part is I want to live up my teenage years, do crazy stuffs, and be irresponsible. I know it’s stupid but I missed that part of growing up.
I'm afraid that I’m gonna spend my life completely alone. Right now, I have a lot of people in my life, my friends and family, but I’m not truly connected to any of them. My family is not as close as we once were. And sadly, I feel like a stranger now to them, my family. I live with them but no one even care to ask about my personal life. I feel as if I am only staying at a strange house everyday.
Someone used to be a good friend just walked away all of a sudden without giving a single word, he was a best friend to me, and shortly after disappearing, I get back with an ex and had a lot of small fights that are leading almost to break-up. When I’m feeling depressed or mad and I think if I just talk to someone I would feel better and I pick up the phone to call someone, I look through my phonebook and there’s no one I would call. There’s no one in this world I would trust with my feelings. No one I would completely share myself with. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t bring myself to trust anyone. Not my family, not my friends, no one.Then I realized I have no one left, I am truly alone. Most of my friends are gone, and I can't find anyone to talk to.
I feel so lonely and empty inside, and it's killing me. People who never felt this degree of loneliness could never understand. I confess that at times I think of just going off somewhere far away and putting myself to sleep for good. I wish I could just sleep now, and never wake up again to a society so cruel and cold. I suffer in silence with this pain in my heart, and my spirit is shadowed by a darkened cloud that no longer knows the beauty and sunshine of life's happiness as it once did before. Each day I live a lie, I smile and laugh with others, but at the end of the day I feel defeated and lost. I have cried so many times, I actually can't cry anymore. I'm just too tired to cry. Forgive me for sounding pathetic, but sadly, it's the case now within this life of mine. I know what cold feels like, but lately, there is a type of cold feeling that embraces me, a type of cold that I have never felt before. It's eerie and just creepy. And I can't help but to think that maybe it's death who awaits me, sitting near me, waiting for me to put myself down. I'm not a suicidal type of human.
Categories: My Stories