|Posted on January 24, 2009 at 9:24 AM|
I am just a human being but becoming a mortal ain't easy. Those people around me dare to start the game! Or should I say it is fate that starts the game of life? So, I am here to play with them and continue the game. I have to master the game of the people and of fate in order to survive. That's the secret, I guess! I have to defend my life from those who grudge and wish to pull me down. I have to shield my heart from those who try hard to inflict pain and break it into pieces. It's really hard dealing with my stay on earth. It's as hard as finding happiness - it includes wealth, true love, forever friends, beauty, fame, and the like. I have to strive so hard to get off from boredom that causes by idle situations of fate. And to withdraw myself from depression, that causes by break-up of important attachments especially of vulnerable persons. Emotionally, I'm all alone in this world full of mysteries. I have nobody except myself to struggle the inevitable changes of life. I'm much grateful that I learned to be independent. To be independent in such a way that I have nobody but myself to go on with life without expecting anybody to come, be a part of my memoir and walk with me 'til death would take my heart beat. It might be a crap but this is the real thing. I love reminiscing the past but it doesn't mean I do still live with my past. Of course not! I moved on! - An achievement! It's just that, I want to measure how far I've been through and to foresee my existence - it is to become SOMEBODY SOMEDAY without the help of those people around me who seem to have no care at all. Neither emotional support nor moral support from those people I care and I treasure a lot.
Do I exist? Of course I do, physically for those mortals around but I dun no my worth. That's not a dilemma anyway, well, in my part. The point of issue is where were those people I expected to be there during those times of my successes and during those moments of loneliness? They demand me to do these, do those! Even if my heart doesn't agree with those ultimatum. I couldn't do anything, they're my BOSS. I don't go against them - for it's awful to frustrate my loved ones. I try so hard to meet their demands and I admit that sometimes I fail - that makes me a big frustration and disappointment to them! But it's good thing that I still manage to stand up to make up with those failures. And when I'm done with everything they want, where were they when I needed them the most? When I needed somebody to count on, there's no one to be found. Where they too much busy with their own stuffs. Or they just don't see me existing in this unfair and seriously funny world? Too bad, they didn't witness those moments of my life, they didn't even know how important those memories were. And they would never know what had happened yet they would tell they know me more than anybody else. When in fact, only my best friend - me - knows everything about my history. Could I change them? I wish I could.
Am I worthy? When I stop to think for a while, I realized that I'm worthless. I feel so lost in seclusion. They seem play the game unfairly, they have to hurt me just to win and their price is to see me bleeding. The beneficial part is I become numb to hardcore situations! I have nobody but myself. I am living my life alone, well, emotionally. I wonder how the hell I ever survived from the start of challenges of fate 'til this very moment of my life. Maybe the secrets are: Whoever comes into my life today, I don't expect to stay forever because at some point in time, they will leave me alone in the air! There's one thing in my mind right now which I have to try to understand. I have to get along with those pains inflicted by important people and haters though in the end I still find myself stupid after all. Accepting the inevitable changes. If I cannot change a situation so that I feel more valued, I will leave the situation. Life is too short to waste. Nobody could love me except me and only I could take good care of every situation in my own life story - which ever written in the book of life. I'm considering every failure as blessings and opportunities in disguise. I'm confident that only I could have the right to run my life whether to ruin it that bad or to run it for good. Who cares anyway? Just deal with me. If you can't, then that might be your big problem.