Glimpse of a Flower's Quickly Fading - Holly Cynth - Official Website

I'm a nurse by profession BUT A WRITER BY HEART. Everyone wants to be writer but not everyone can come up with a brilliant masterpiece. I can only write about personal stuffs, my point of view!


I Am Inlove and It Hurts So Much

Posted on June 9, 2012 at 1:35 PM

I have a boyfriend for 4 years this August 2012, our relationship is an on and off and almost always a long distance relationship. We rarely see each other. He's my everything, I couldn't live without him. On the exact date of our first year anniversary, we broke up. On the second year, we got back together. On the third year, we were supposed to celebrate our anniversary together but he didn't show up until I was dumb-founded. I caught him cheating on me. He explained that "IT WAS JUST AN HOUR SEX AND NOT A ONE NIGHT STAND." Whatever you call it, it is still cheating. Who is he fooling? I forgave him and went on with the relationship, but from then on, everything about me started to change. I became paranoid when he was not coming to see me and accused him of having an affair. Until he cut off the communication. We never talked for quite some time. I myself didn't contact him, we both have too much pride. But then, I swallowed my pride which is the only thing left with me and I tried to reach him by phone. I was trying to patch things up with him even if it wasn't my fault and it didn't matter if I was the one being cheated to. All I wanted is to win him back and be together again. He refused to talk and I realized it was time to let go and move on. I told myself to move on and start a new life even without a formal break-up. I didn't care anymore.

It was hard for me to mend and I had no one to turn to. I wanted to die. All I had was hope and prayer. My sleeping pattern became unusual. I mean, I stayed up all night and I slept all day. I didn't eat my meal on time, it even came to the point when I only eat my meal once a day, when I woke up at night. That's how I was when I was lonely and depressed. I didn't get out my room for a month or so with my TV on or mp3 on or computer on. Cried myself to sleep.

Then it was almost my birthday, I decided to live life once again, leaving all the bad memories behind me, leaving HIS memories behind me. Actually, he even sent me a birthday message on my birthday but it didn't bother me and never text him back. He kept on forwarding quotations to my mobile phone and I erased them as soon as I received one from him. The day after my birthday was a new me, a new life I was living for. Although sometimes his memories still lingered, I diverted my thoughts.

It was few months since we never had a formal talk and it was almost Christmas. Mom and Dad came home from Canada. Their first night here, I passed out and was admitted in the hospital, my red blood cells dropped and my white blood cells increased. It was due to poor nutrition and abnormal sleeping pattern. Mom worried, she thought I'd suffer Leukemia. Mom and I never talked about anything personal. She didn't know I was broken and was getting through rough times. I wanted to talk with her but I can't. She might not understand me. So I'd rather cry in silence.

After a few days of being discharged from the hospital, he came by my house and tried to talk. He explained, asked for forgiveness, and wanted to get me back. After a few days, I gave him another chance, the last chance. I found out that it was Mom's idea to invite him at home to talk things out. It never crossed my mind that Mom would gonna figure things out without asking me personally. So, we give it a try.

We had a lot of fights, I get jealous so easily, I think of negative things. You can't blame me, I was been cheated by him before. He deosn't like the way I think. He told me I'd rather disappear than giving him a pain in the ass because the way I think about him. He couldn't just understand me. What can I do? I can't stop thinking that he might do the same thing he did before. I don't wanna go through the same situation and same pain again as I did a year ago. I love him so much, I don't want to lose him, he's my life now. I don't know what to do now that he wants me to disappear. It's 2 months before our 4th anniversary and seemed to be like ending a relationship again.

P.S. Sorry for the long story. I just want to share. I can't keep it all here inside me. I want to ventilate at least. So, please bear with me. Comments, pieces of advice are much appreciated. Thank you!

*with tears*

Categories: My Stories

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